At one o’clock in the morning, I found my eyes glued to the television screen…to a movie (if you can call it that) on the public access programming channel. And what was the subject of this appallingly dreadful film? …vampires. Saying this is the worst vampire film doesn’t really justify it enough, and more accurately said, the worst film in history. Bold statement right?! This is beyond a B rated film…would an F film (F=Fail) truly describe it? The script was bad, the vampire teeth terrible, the acting even worse…and of course there were the rough camera shots, ghastly scene cuts, awful fight scenes, horrific sound effects and background music…and above all, there was absolutely no story line.
After saying all that, I wish I could say after watching 2 minutes of this almost offensive movie that I flipped the channel and just kept on flippn’…or had the will power to hit the power button and crawl into bed. Yes, I did flip…but I was so intrigued by such an awful film that I actually flipped back to that damn public access programming channel…and I continued to watch this film for the next half hour. Clearly such a bad fabricated film had to be some kind of high school production that involved far too many friends and family members of the director and script writer.
However, just because it was bad doesn’t mean it wasn’t hilarious. My favorite scene was when this boy was running down, what seemed to be an endless stairwell, away from the blood sucking vampire. But what made this scene so instantaneously classic…as the boy ran “down” the stairs in an attempt to escape the vicious vampiress, he ran by the 3rd floor four times! And on the fifth turn down, she was waiting for him…on the 3rd floor! Twilight Zone?…or poorly filmed? And randomly the scene would cut to an image of--I don’t know what was going on actually, but it was slightly reminiscent of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, except with terrible heavy metal music in the backdrop. Not really sure what this scene switch had to do with the already poorly written story line…but the director felt that this man (and scene) apparently played an intrical part of the film.
Beyond how dumb this movie truly was…the fact of the matter is, I watched it…AND NOW I’m writing about it.
Not that I’ve watched all that many shows on the public access programming channel in the past, but is this what they show in the wee morning hours?! How did this movie get picked to be aired on public programming anyway?! I’m just so intrigued. Did it win some kind of high school film contest (which I really can’t believe unless it won the worst high school film production of 2008)? It makes me wonder if anything will be put on TV just so the channel doesn’t have a blank screen. It would back my theory about Fox’s The Morning Blend…on Monday-Friday at 9am. It seems NBC has just given up trying to compete against Regis and Kelly on ABC…so NBC fills the time slot with SOMETHING…probably one of the worst something’s I’ve ever encountered on TV (other than this vampire film). At least they could put on a Magic Bullet infomercial--that’s far more entertaining to watch. The Magic Bullet is unusual for an infomercial. It sets up a scenario in which the action is supposed to take place, plus everyone is hung over from a “barbecue” that occurred the day prior. My favorite character is Hazel...the smoker that has an ash at the end of cig that never falls off...she’s rude, foul, and even slightly disgusting. I love it.
But this brings us back to the point I’ve already made. Television is absolutely mindless, and people will watch ANYTHING, including myself apparently. After a half hour of pure disgust in the show, the idocracy finally wore off and I became bored…at last I hit the power button and headed to bed…now regretting the decision, as I am tired as hell today. And what did I gain out of the sacrifice of a late night of television watching…my theory even more closely proven…a bad program is better than no program.
A side note…I now have a lot more respect for actors. From my exposure from television shows and films, they make acting look relatively easy…even a bad actor makes it look like a cake-walk career. But after watching these actors, I realized acting actually does require skill.
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