normal.

i really do a great job of making an ass out of myself on a regular basis. sometimes, an asshole.

a vital inquiry indeed

One of the most important questions of my life…do I enter a tater tot eating contest or not? Free to enter…winner gets a $200 gift card…everyone receives free tater tots for a year just for entering. So far there are only upsides. Now the downside…the high possibility of my humiliation. I put myself in these situations often enough…and although tater tot eating sounds harmless enough, the true likelihood of putting myself in an entirely embarrassing situation is there. Oh what to do…

Just One Time

I tried smoking a cigarette once…it was during Happy Hour. I had also met new friends from New Orleans who happened to be out drinking for HH as well. When putting the cigarette out, I accidentally put it out on my new friend’s cell phone. Apparently black objects all look the same to me and I easily confuse a cell phone with an ash tray. And no, I did not exchange phone numbers with my new friend when she departed soon after my embarrassment. I'm an idiot. Lesson learned.

When Life Gives You Lemons...I Throw Them Out

For the first time in my life I actually have gossip… really, I don’t think gossip truly describes it. What I know is far beyond gossip…closer to dirt…dirt so filthy, grimy, and soiled that it’s blackmail-able. Sometimes I wish I was that person…someone who could be conniving and shrewd…to be someone that could blackmail and not only NOT feel bad about it, but be satisfied by my actions and the positive outcome, well for me at least. Alas, I do not hold any traces of that personality…but that’s actually a good thing right, agreeably for the person with the scandal. I mean…I have names…numbers…I have EVIDENCE! And it’s such a random situation. I wish I could say that I was the one who blindly stumbled upon this……what do you call it? Does ‘situation’ satisfy this odd and rare circumstance?

All I want to do is call someone…someone that knows this person…again, I’ve never had anything this juicy before beyond so and so’s pregnancy…or so and so’s divorce. Blah…boring…everyone expects those situations from those “so and so” type people. Besides, I’m in my late 20’s…expectations have been raised and the bar set by daily life experiences. But this…no one expects this, let alone imagines it in their wildest dreams. Especially from someone who comes from a clean background and well off family.

Although I plan to name no one…only provide details, I feel as if I’m crossing some line that should never be. But they’re only details of a story! No harm…no foul…right? Well this account just needs to be told…on that note….

My girlfriend is a Leasing Agent for an Apartment Complex. Her reality there is enthralling…with plenty of stories, anywhere from cheating sex-capades, surgeries of teeth removal from abdominal tissue, green card marriages, stolen dogs, and plenty, plenty more. And now she has one more tale to toss onto the ol’ list.

So a very hurried, non-resident, young man walk’s into my friend’s office and hands her a Blackberry. He then says “This is Holly’s. I assume she lives here since I picked her up out front. Can you give it back to her?” My friend responds to him with, “But I don’t have a Holly that lives in my building.” He then places the Blackberry in her hand and says, “Just give it back. I don’t want to deal with her” and then flies out of the room. Well my friend is baffled. Not only does she not know who this girl is, but the phone is dead, so there is no way to track down the owner. As luck would have it, one of her residents has the same phone, and lent her the charger for it. My friend then powers this little bad boy up, allowing energy to surge through its wires.

She starts rummaging through the text messages first, looking for a name she would recognize…but she notices something a little…“off” about these text messages, and becomes a little leery, yet very intrigued. She moves onto the emails to shed a little light on the mystery. Low and behold, this “Holly” girl is not a Holly at all, but rather a Call Girl…that’s right, I said it…she’s a hooker! Emails from multiple men…all talking about her sexy body and how they can’t wait to touch it. Not to mention providing a list of previous references from other Call Girls for "Holly" to check up on. And how she requires them to bring a bottle of Sky vodka to every meeting…personally I feel, in a position like hers, she could ask for something just a little higher end. I guess beggars can’t be choosers sometimes.

But these multiple men…we’re talking names…BIG names. BIG business men names…BIG married business men names….and all absolutely blackmail-able! At this point we’re all so dumbfounded, but so charged with adrenaline, that we immediately search the internet for this Call Girl Holly…sure enough, further confirmation …a web page was found with her wages…$300 an hour…$200 for every additional hour. Wow!

We decide to take our adrenaline and Blackberry to happy hour…wanting to giggle a little longer over a few drinks. But my friend still has no idea who this girl is. Clearly her real name is not Holly. So we decide to go through “Holly’s” emails…fingers crossed to run across a recognizable name. And sure shit…my friend does, putting it all together…and making absolute sense. The girl my friend thought of does in fact live in her building, travels a lot…always in Vegas, Madison, or Denver for weeks “visiting her boyfriend.” And these emails to “Holly”…are from men in Vegas, Madison and Denver. Hell, she even recognized the phone when she realized it. My friend tossed the name out there saying “Clearly, it must be her.” At which point, my eyes literally leave my head. I mean, I have big eyes, but when she shared that name with me…I probably looked alien like. I even choked on my own spite…not knowing if I should inhale or cough. I just have never been so dazed, speechless, and thrilled at the same time in my entire life.

I KNOW that girl…I mean, I went to Middle and High School with her…and if that isn’t random enough, this girl bullied me. Her goal was to make me cry…and to be honest she did a terrible job at it. But the intent was undoubtedly there. And now she’s a Call Girl…and I know about it…and have the corroboration to throw it in her face AND her graduating class. Will I?…unfortunately not. I just don’t have it in me to be that cruel. However…I am a brat enough to fuck with her a little. A new client that doesn’t show up for their “date”….or even an email interest from a fellow classmate….

Damn…….so much information, and my brain is just too tiny to actually do anything with it.

squeezable bacon?!

ok, so one of my friends/co-worker sent me this link yesterday during the day for a new product called Squeeze Bacon...yes, bacon you squeeze out of a bottle. Gross...absolutely, intriguing...certainly.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/squeez-bacon.html

that could either be one of the nastiest things i've ever seen...or perhaps the tastiest. i haven't really decided yet...but i planned to buy a bottle as soon as i saw it sitting on the grocery shelf. i mean, wouldn't you?! personally what really gets me is the picture in the bottom right corner on the website...squeeze bacon on top of real bacon. genius.

after work i started telling a good friend of mine about this weird new product discovery...so we head back to her place so she can see it first hand on the web. well my dumbass mind suddenly became determined. why wait to just see it sitting there...i needed to be proactive about this. “we HAD to try that product NOW!”

so what do I do…but call around to all the local grocery stores seeking out this beauty. and then after not finding it in ANY grocery store, and with curiosity raging through me at this point, i decided to buy it online for $7.99...who cares what the shipping cost!

we clicked the ‘buy button,’ which brought us to this joke page…it took us a good 5-8 minutes of flipping back and hitting the buy button over and over again before we really understood what was going on…despite the joke page coming up every time…it was a joke….and NOT a real product...yes, we were duped.

son of a gun. i’m an idiot...squeeze bacon...what can i say? we were filled with hope and desire. why would we let reality get in our way? haha…you got us…April Fools!

Rejection

Rejection is such a painful word…and it can really demolish aspirations. For instance, I had an ambition to attend Graduate School, and as swiftly as I gained hope and dreams with the prospect of school, they were squashed like an elephant’s pinky toe grinding a peanut to dust.

I knew I was rejected before I even opened the envelope….it was too thin. Immediately tears sprang to my eyes after I pulled it from my mailbox, but even after I read the ol’ “we regret to inform you” sentence, the tears, surprisingly, never fell.

But reality still hangs in front of me, along with the looming question “what the fuck now?” What do I do with my life now? My dream job has been ripped from my hands. Moving cross county seems to be the next best option. A “fresh” start. But isn’t there some old wise man’s tale that your problems keep following you no matter how far you run? Well what if you don’t know how to confront those problems? What if I don’t know what do next? What if I don’t have a plan B? What now old wise man? I could certainly use a tale right about now for inspiration.

In my eyes the best option for advice was the internet. Can you believe that I actually googled “what to do when rejected from Graduate School?” I’m 100% clueless.