I’m afraid! I’m days away from the GRE (Graduate Record Exam) and I’ve given up. Literally, I take the GRE in two days. 2! And I’ve lost all steam. I’m just sick of preparing…trying to memorize and learn every number, word, suggestion. I don’t know why I found it to be a good idea to take the test on a Friday – to give myself more time – yeah, that’s what I originally thought. It made sense at the time, but it’s actually a terrible idea. I just want that damn test over with already.
I’m allowing everything to distract me…jumping on the piano, trying to get just that one measure right…or delving into Eat, Prey, Love, just one more chapter and then I’ll get back to studying “I swear!” I’m so over distracted that I couldn’t even center myself during yoga the other night…not even when we heard the bubbling brook or walked into the soft light of the waterfall (our version of “meditation”). I never had that problem before…the light of the waterfall is my favorite part. I’m even allowing blogging to distract me.
How do I do that?! How can I be so passionate and motivated in the beginning, only to end up caring less in the end? This isn’t the first this happened to me recently. A few months back, I was dead set on scrapbooking. I had all these pictures lying around from my travels, begging to be dealt with…just sitting in the corner of my room collecting dust. I spent a good couple months assembling everything I needed to begin the scrapbooking process. By the time I was ready to embark on this new found fun, I lost all interest…I wasn’t engrossed anymore. So now there my scrapbooking material sits…in the corner next to the pictures.
I blame this damn test…a test I don’t care all that much about, even when I was motivated in the beginning. It certainly doesn’t prove me – it doesn’t truly show what I’m capable of producing or handling. So what if I get a bad score, so what! That doesn’t mean I will do a poor job in graduate school...just because I may not know the meaning of loquacious or what the variable of x is. All I want to do is study some art, learn how it has shaped the world today, and how I can take that new knowledge and teach it to others through exhilarating exhibitions.
For the record, I’m not throwing in the towel for graduate school. I’m very much looking forward to new education…and learning French. I’m just throwing in the towel for this damn test.
Regardless, I’m walking into that testing room…with just me. I’m going into this test with a little bit of knowledge and a hell of a lot of instinct. My arms will be open and I will say “bring it.” Maybe I will briefly feel like Rocky Balboa…walking into the ring against Apollo Creed, except hopefully, like Rocky II, I will conquer rather than be defeated. I hope that doesn’t mean I need to keep my fingers crossed. Although I have a feeling that is what it’s boiling down to. But in the end, no matter what the outcome, that damn test will be over with. And I can’t wait!
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the greatest feeling came the day after my test...i was running through the list of things i had to do for the day and was coming up with an itinerary in my head...and then suddenly i realized...i didn't have to set time aside to study. it was excellent.
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